OK forget about Target being a nightmare on Saturdays. Today I went to Costco. It was almost like I said to myself, self: what would be more torturous than repeatedly jabbing sewing needles into my eyeballs? I know! Going to Costco on a Saturday afternoon.
I try to avoid this particular joy if I can, and I do mostly shop at Whole Foods (I have no idea where that peppermint mocha Coffe-mate in the fridge came from, I swear) but my children eat an astonishing amount of food. Other Boy and Girl have appetites rivaled only by The Sucking Monster on Yellow Submarine (if you’ve never seen Yellow Submarine you should go watch it. It’s cool, I’ll wait.) Boy is actually pretty picky, but seems to be perpetually carbo-loading for a race that never starts. Still, despite this near constant consumption, they are all skinny little waifs.
At Costco we are not shopping for sport - no - we are out for blood. We are gladiators and we will bludgeon our way to the front of the line to get a sample of Vitamin Water that we will not buy because adding vitamins to water is silly and also it tastes kind of funky and is twenty bucks and they can just suck it up and drink water water OK?
I try to avoid bringing the kids along on these trips mostly because their innocent minds can’t handle the bloodshed. And whenever they do come along I end up buying fifty square feet of Cheeze-Its, and a ten gallon bucket of pickles that no one actually eats; despite their insistence on an undying love of baby dills. I do try to stick to the healthy stuff: hummus, fruit, whole grain cereals, this green juice that looks like pond sludge but tastes much better. I mean, I’m assuming. I don’t generally go around slurping up pond sludge. Maybe the occasional case of Snack Packs pudding. Snack Packs!
I did make it through unscathed, though certainly shaken and mentally scarred. No bodily harm, but I came close after almost getting flattened by a truck in the parking lot that somehow missed the forklift loading food into my car. I figure it's probably enough to hold the kids for a couple of days. Maybe. So, can I interest you in some pickles?