Costco is Latin for war


OK forget about Target being a nightmare on Saturdays. Today I went to Costco. It was almost like I said to myself, self: what would be more torturous than repeatedly jabbing sewing needles into my eyeballs? I know! Going to Costco on a Saturday afternoon.

I try to avoid this particular joy if I can, and I do mostly shop at Whole Foods (I have no idea where that peppermint mocha Coffe-mate in the fridge came from, I swear) but my children eat an astonishing amount of food. Other Boy and Girl have appetites rivaled only by The Sucking Monster on Yellow Submarine (if you’ve never seen Yellow Submarine you should go watch it. It’s cool, I’ll wait.) Boy is actually pretty picky, but seems to be perpetually carbo-loading for a race that never starts. Still, despite this near constant consumption, they are all skinny little waifs. 
At Costco we are not shopping for sport - no - we are out for blood. We are gladiators and we will bludgeon our way to the front of the line to get a sample of Vitamin Water that we will not buy because adding vitamins to water is silly and also it tastes kind of funky and is twenty bucks and they can just suck it up and drink water water OK? 
I try to avoid bringing the kids along on these trips mostly because their innocent minds can’t handle the bloodshed. And whenever they do come along I end up buying fifty square feet of Cheeze-Its, and a ten gallon bucket of pickles that no one actually eats; despite their insistence on an undying love of baby dills. I do try to stick to the healthy stuff: hummus, fruit, whole grain cereals, this green juice that looks like pond sludge but tastes much better. I mean, I’m assuming. I don’t generally go around slurping up pond sludge. Maybe the occasional case of Snack Packs pudding. Snack Packs!
I did make it through unscathed, though certainly shaken and mentally scarred. No bodily harm, but I came close after almost getting flattened by a truck in the parking lot that somehow missed the forklift loading food into my car. I figure it's probably enough to hold the kids for a couple of days. Maybe. So, can I interest you in some pickles? 

10 comments:

  1. Hummus is so good!!! I love it with garlic and/or peppers in it. I am reading this while in class right before lunch and now I am starving!!! LOL

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    1. Why is hummus so good? It's like, chickpeas, which are not good? I tried to make it myself once and it was disgusting. Costco hummus foreva!

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  2. Oh how I feel the pain of your bloodshed! Shopping at BJ's isn't much different from Costco and when I enter that warehouse, I RUN past the books, the appliances (gee, I need a new saute` pan) and end up buying more lettuce, cereal, meat and assorted bagels (BJ's prices bagels by 9; can't buy 6 or 12..just 9 per bag) than can reasonably be consumed in one week.

    And yes. Hummus, hummus, hummus. One can never have enough.

    Stopped-by from Finding the Funny...glad I did!

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    1. There's an idea. Maybe I should try racing through as fast as possible, Supermarket Sweep style. Be more fun that way, at least.

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  3. Costco on a weekend? Are you a masochist?
    Very, very scary.
    Came from #findingthefunny.

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    1. I starting to think I may very well be. The things we learn about ourselves...

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  4. Oh hell. The title alone made me pee a little.

    Don't worry, after four kids and zero kegels, it's bound to happen.

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    1. Ha thanks! And some days I feel like I never stop peeing...

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  5. This sounds so familiar! It is craziness with kids with you at the store. We will go through great lengths just to get a sample of something really stupid. Ha! (Thanks for linking this up to #findingthefunny last week!)

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  6. It's somehow even crazier when my husband comes along,too. Thank you for reading!

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