Screw you Mother Nature

Like any good wannabe earthy hippy type, I like nature. I appreciate the gifts of our planet and I think it's important to take care of Mother Earth and respect nature. I even spent my anniversary tromping through the woods and marveling at the splendor of water following the gravitational pull of the earth down a mountain side (i.e. waterfalls) in a town so crunchy that every other store sells dashikis and the air is permeated with the scent of patchouli. Unfortunately, nature does not like me.

First off, the mosquitoes of the world seem to have a personal vendetta against me, and ok, I'll admit; maybe I haven't exactly garnered their goodwill by massacring as many of the little bastards as possible. But I'd be willing to let bygones be bygones if they would stop swarming me the second I stepped outside. And then there are the cockroaches. This requires no explanation, really, I just hate them. A lot. Why do roaches exist? What was the plan there? We have flying roaches around here. They are huge, and they fly. I'd like you to think about that while you're trying to fall asleep tonight. Sweet dreams!

In addition to our friends the giant mutant cockroaches and the malevolent mosquitoes (band name alert!), spring and summer and half of fall is hot and humid and disgusting. Anyone who tells you the south has mild weather is a filthy liar. And as the heat and humidity (my thesaurus says that a synonym for humid is "oppressive") makes me want to punch people, feel free to send them my way. I find that the best tactic for making it through the summer is a sort of reverse hibernation, wherein I hunker down in the air conditioning, but instead of sleeping I bitch about how it's too hot to do anything. I imagine this is pretty pleasant for my family to deal with.

And now we can add allergies to the list. After two solid weeks of Other Boy and Girl coughing and sniffling and endless, endless whining (and the kids were grumpy, too) we took them to the doctor. Now they have to take Zyrtec every morning and we can't go to the playground without the hacking starting up again. But the best part is that I've been breaking out in random rashes whenever we go outside or open the windows, which means that not only am I allergic to some foods and plants, I am now also allergic to air. Making me, officially, the most pathetic person ever.

Next thing you know I'll break out in hives whenever I smell patchouli and then what, you guys? Then what?

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