10 Easy Steps To A Successful Relationship

Husband and I just celebrated ten years of marriage, and fifteen years together. As such, it is safe to say that I now know everything there is to know about having a successful relationship, and it would frankly be a crime for me to not share the secret of our success with the internet, nay, the world.

1. Start dating in high school.

Oh, I know what you're thinking. Relationships need a foundation of maturity and life experiences. I say that is no match for the power of the angst and insecurity of being an awkward teenager.


Ready for romance!






2. Throw caution to the wind and have a child in your early twenties.

Nothing bonds you quite like sleepless nights, spit-up, diapers, and missing all the awesome parties your friends are throwing. 

This is way more fun than a kegger



3. Be broke

This one is important. If you have financial security, how will you ever know the joy of buying a weeks worth of groceries with a mere twenty-seven dollars and thirty-two cents?

We have $7.17 and three buttons



4. Have a low-key engagement

And by that I mean have the following conversation: 


Me: Wanna get married?
Him: K


5. Get married at the justice of the peace.

Make sure the officiant is one extraneous staff meeting away from taking the whole place down in a blaze of glory. He will also repeatedly yell at you for trying to steal his pen. And you should find some witnesses who are currently at the courthouse to take out a restraining order against a psychotic ex-boyfriend. Makes the whole thing more cheerful.

The pen bandit strikes again



6. Have two more kids.

As many as possible, really. Don't want to risk having a good nights sleep or actual money.

We're comin' for you Duggars!



7. Live in a series of crappy apartments, then buy a cute house in a town even more podunk than it sounds.

Think "Deliverance." Ok not really. (But yeah.)

Sadly, there were no banjos 



8. Randomly move across the country

It should preferably be a place you've never been and as far away as possible from the vast majority of your family. Your reasoning should be thus: Just 'cuz.

9. Randomly move back across the country

Again, it is essential that you have as little money as possible.

This is all we have left in savings


10. Celebrate tenth anniversary with frozen pizza and the Chianti your mom gave you for Christmas.


It's fancy. Also, Chianti is gross.

fancy-gross


11. Be lucky enough to be able to marry your best friend. Someone who makes you laugh, and who you can't imagine not going through all of the shit life is determined to throw at you with. Love each other. But like each other, too.

Yeah... probably just that one.




*clicky-clicky:

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Finding the Funny



59 comments:

  1. Absolutely wise and wonderful! Congrats on a great relationship and an awesome sense of humor--you'll go far on those buttons!

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    1. Thank you so much! Yes, all my precious, precious buttons!

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  2. It all sounds pretty valid to me. Especially the buttons. That's pretty much how I do my all accounting. I've only been married five years and this post gives me great confidence :) Also, the first photo truly made me LOL. READY.FOR.ROMANCE.
    Classic post. Thanks.

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    1. Thank you! I think I should start a country where we use buttons as currency. And lint. We can't fail! Congrats on your five years!

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  3. Aww what a great post! Congratulations!

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  4. Oh, I so love this!! How sweet does your life sound---rich in all the best ways!! Love the tongue-in-cheek funny! Erin

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  5. haha awesome. happy anniversary!

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  6. Hahahah sweet - 6 cracked up. Happy anniversary!

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    1. Thanks! Of course, if I actually had that many kids I'd probably be writing this from my padded cell (do those get wifi?)

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  7. 10 years is quite the milestone. You've made it past the 7 year itch, beware of the 14.

    You sound like you have it figured out though! Be happy with what and who you have.

    WG
    http://itsmynd.com

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    1. Thanks! Uh-oh, 14 year itch. I can only hope we'll both be way too tired to actually act doing anything. Unless it's getting a sports car. Those are sweet.

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  8. Lol! Re:"fancy gross"

    I love this post, it's so true, I feel like rough times really can make or break you....

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    1. Thanks! Yeah, I guess we're lucky that all the crap brought us together somehow? Chianti, though. Bleh.

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  9. Love. This. I loved all 11 "keys" but No. 11 really was something special :)

    Great post!

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    1. Thank you! Yep, he really lucked out. Uh, I mean WE really lucked out...

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  10. Have I told you yet that I love you? Cause I really love you. Husband and I got married when we were 19 years old, our first baby came to us when we were 23 and we followed him up with 4 more by the time we were in our early 30's. Oh yeah, and we're always broke. Haha! You are speaking my language sister, speaking my language!

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    1. Yay! I love you, too! Thank you so much! Doing everything "wrong" seems to be working! We should totally write a book.

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  11. This was so funny! And true. Particularly about having kids...

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    1. Thanks! I know, even if I wanted a divorce (I don't) I'd be too tired and probably too busy folding laundry to actually do it. It's a kid conspiracy.

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  12. This made me laugh. Our engagement was almost the same as yours. Him: let's get married. Me: ok. Five days later, we had a justice of the peace wedding. But at least ours didn't yell at me for trying to steal a pen. Ha!

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    1. Oh yay, another random engagement. Everyone else thinks we're crazy. Whatever, it worked. That guy was something, he seemed pissed off that he had to marry us. Like, "I pronounce you husband and wife. Now get the hell out!" Fun story, though.

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  13. Great post. I pretty much did the opposite - waited untill mt 30s, had TWO weddings with bands. So how come I'm still counting my savings in buttons??

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    1. Hey if you have buttons, you're doing something right! Two weddings, wow! I couldn't even deal with having one.

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  14. I could have written this with a few changes. I just celebrated my tenth wedding anniversary last month. :)

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    1. Congrats! We must have hit on some secret formula here.

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  15. Sweet. Be sure you like each other too. Yeah, that one. Congrats!

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    1. Thank you! I feel like that part gets left out a lot, but it's important!

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  16. Very sweet! Happy Anniversary!

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  17. Happy Anniversary! It sounds divine!!!

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  18. I love every single thing about this post! I am lucky enough to be married to my best friend, also started in my 20's, still broke, and so and so on. Life is good!

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  19. Great list! Happy Anniversary! Also, I love your button collection.

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  20. Happy Anniversary. Great advice. I know that the first two are true, because my parents had them too :)

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    1. Thanks! That's awesome. We seem to be doing something right so far, anyway.

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  21. This is my first time at your blog and I love that you are a "tales of a FAILED crunchy mom" - how VOGUE! Tides may be a'turnin soon - and you my dear are on the cutting edge w. that blog title!
    God this was funny. Building relationship entirely on teenaged angst and insecurities...well then! It looks like it worked. (-:Happy anniversary!

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    1. Thanks! It's true, too. I try, not that it seems to matter... Yeah, I guess something worked for us anyway. The power of angst.

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  22. This was really cute. I was giggling out loud! What I liked best though is that you can hear the fact that you are happy shining through all the rest.

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    1. Aw thank you! My optimism cannot be denied. Not even my snark can stop it.

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  23. Very sweet! It's too late for me to do some of them but I have the being broke and living in the crappy apartment NAILED IT! Now just waiting for the guy to come along who isn't loony toons :)

    Happy anniversary!

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    1. Thank you! And he'll show up! Just keep on being awesome. It's for the best I settled down early, though. I cannot imagine the world of fail that would be me trying to date.

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  24. Replies
    1. It's so true, right? I think a lot of people forget that part.

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  25. Happy anniversary and I do agree, Chianti sucks!

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  26. This was funny! I love the low-key engagement. "K" was all he needed to hear, right?

    Thanks for linking up with us over at #findingthefunny this week!

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    1. It got the point across anyway! Thank you, love Finding The Funny, always great stuff over there.

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  27. Congrats! Wow, you made it through a lot of stress. Loved #11.

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    1. Thanks! Here's hoping we got all of the stress out of the way early on.

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  28. Too funny!!!! I loved it all, except the Chianti part ;)

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  29. We met in college (eh, close enough), had a low key engagement, had a child in our early twenties, then what the heck (or was it how the heck?) had another one, bought a house in a podunk town, made random moves for no apparent reason, and will be married 10 years in July.

    And yes, #11 applies to us too. Awesome post.

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