Ah, quality time.
"Extortion," I answered, swatting her grabby little mitts away. I was kidding, mostly, but it's kind of a complicated question, isn't it? So, for my girl-who-will-someday-be-a-woman and anyone curious like her, I offer:
Things You Can Do With Boobs:
- Feed babies. Yep, we'll go ahead and put this one out there. It is why we have them, and whether or not they end up being used for this purpose is irrelevant. We're mammals! It's kind of awesome. We can grow people inside of us, then make food for them when they rip their way out our wombs, Alien-style. Trippy stuff.
|Women are the cows of people.|
- Play with them. You know. You know... I'm talking about, like, using them to put on lipstick or wash a car with them. Stuff like that. Why, what were you thinking?
|Just don't try doing a hot wax. Ouch.|
- As a shelf. This one is more for those bustier gals out there. Doesn't really work for me, I buy my bras at The Limited, Too (I don't! But I could.)
|Do you think IKEA was invented by someone with A-cups?|
- Hold things. Again, this works better if you have actual cleavage, but it makes a handy spot for stashing stuff if you have no pockets. Cell phone, cigarettes, lip gloss, extra pacifier (for the baby, you pervs.)
|Tiny people? Hey, you never know.|
- Feel them. This is breast cancer PSA. Grope those things and grope them often. To check for lumps. But if you just enjoy groping for groping's sake, who am I stop you? Rock on.
|For real, though.|
- Use them as a pillow. Think about it. When your kids were little, where did you nestle their downy little heads when it was 2:00am and they wouldn't sleep anywhere but on you, so you just marathoned Scrubs reruns and tried not to smother your sleeping husband with a pillow? Right there on your bosom. And even when their feet are bigger than yours and they are nothing but sharp elbows and gangly limbs, that's still the place that offers comfort and softness. Even if it's just metaphorical. And hopefully doesn't involve being groped in public.
|Wallaby cuddles are ok, though.|
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