Things You Can Do With Boobs

It was a lovely spring day, and the boys were attending their art class; so Girl was getting some quality time with mom and dad in a quaint little coffee shop we found named something adorable like Hill Of Beans or By Any Beans Necessary. We were happily sipping on lattes while she munched on a chocolate chip cookie the size of her head, when suddenly she reached over, grabbed both of my breasts and asked (loudly, of course) "What do you do with these things anyway?"

Ah, quality time.

"Extortion," I answered, swatting her grabby little mitts away. I was kidding, mostly, but it's kind of a complicated question, isn't it? So, for my girl-who-will-someday-be-a-woman and anyone curious like her, I offer:

Things You Can Do With Boobs:

- Feed babies. Yep, we'll go ahead and put this one out there. It is why we have them, and whether or not they end up being used for this purpose is irrelevant. We're mammals! It's kind of awesome. We can grow people inside of us, then make food for them when they rip their way out our wombs, Alien-style. Trippy stuff.

Women are the cows of people.


- Play with them. You know. You know... I'm talking about, like, using them to put on lipstick or wash a car with them. Stuff like that. Why, what were you thinking?

Just don't try doing a hot wax. Ouch.


- As a shelf. This one is more for those bustier gals out there. Doesn't really work for me, I buy my bras at The Limited, Too (I don't! But I could.)

Do you think IKEA was invented by someone with A-cups?



- Hold things. Again, this works better if you have actual cleavage, but it makes a handy spot for stashing stuff if you have no pockets. Cell phone, cigarettes, lip gloss, extra pacifier (for the baby, you pervs.)

Tiny people? Hey, you never know.


- Feel them. This is breast cancer PSA. Grope those things and grope them often. To check for lumps. But if you just enjoy groping for groping's sake, who am I stop you? Rock on.

For real, though.


- Use them as a pillow. Think about it. When your kids were little, where did you nestle their downy little heads when it was 2:00am and they wouldn't sleep anywhere but on you, so you just marathoned Scrubs reruns and tried not to smother your sleeping husband with a pillow? Right there on your bosom. And even when their feet are bigger than yours and they are nothing but sharp elbows and gangly limbs, that's still the place that offers comfort and softness. Even if it's just metaphorical. And hopefully doesn't involve being groped in public.

Wallaby cuddles are ok, though.





featured post at Finding the Funny!

20 comments:

  1. I hadn't given much thought to it not having any. I guess they are pretty useful. And extortion is used by many.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahaha - great list! I, too, normally need some help from my friends at IKEA, but since I'm currently engaged in the #1 use (well, not right NOW, while I'm typing) I'm really taking advantage of the temporary extra pocket it gives me, though it does disturb my mom when she sees me pulling random stuff out of my shirt. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I miss my nursing boobs. We had a good time together. Hey you gotta stash stuff somewhere, right?

      Delete
  3. hahaha - this is great! The ripping out of our wombs caught me off guard because up until that point it was such a sweet conversation. LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha, sorry! I feel like my brain should come with a warning, like: Dangerous Curves Ahead or Caution: May Be Random. Thanks for reading anyway!

      Delete
  4. The only time mine were useful as a shelf was when I was preggo. Or was that my belly? Eh, they blended together at that point!
    (Found you via Finding the Funny!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah the belly shelf, yes. An excellent place to set your guacamole or onion dip.

      Delete
  5. Ha ha oooh. So funny I love that your immediate answer was extortion.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha thanks! What's even better is she was like "Oh, ok." We'll probably have to revisit that talk sometime before puberty.

      Delete
  6. How funny! Love the shelf! Awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh, my boobs would never hold anything! I could also easily find a bra at the Limited Too!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a bummer, right. Oh well. At least they don't get in the way while playing golf...I mean, if I played golf that is...

      Delete
  8. You were one of the most clicked links at last week's Finding the Funny party. Featuring you tomorrow and pinning this.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hahahahaha! SOOOO funny! As one who has a shelf, I have to say that I would LOVE to [be able to] buy my bras at The Limited Too! I found you at the Finding Funny party and am just about to become your newest follower. Thanks for the laugh!
    http://anothertiredmommy.blogspot.com/2012/05/what-doesnt-kill-us-makes-usclean-our.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much! Well, a shelf does sound handy, but at least they stay out of the way mostly. Maybe I should take up golf or something...

      Delete
  10. Too funny! Mine really aren't good as shelves or storage but that made me laugh anyway.

    ReplyDelete